I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
