Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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