I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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