sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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