But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
