just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize