I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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