I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
