Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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