My hand turned me down
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize