she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
