Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
