mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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