Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
