Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Come see our sink grown plant.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
