; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
