If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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