well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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