This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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