So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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