dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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