Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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