The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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