im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
