I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
