This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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