i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
