then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
