I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
