I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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