Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
