It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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