Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
