Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
