Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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