So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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