why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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