I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
