I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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