You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Send help, water and tortillas.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
