I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
