After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
