I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
