You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
