Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
NoShamevember. You game?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
