it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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