I feel like abortions should bother me more
high people should be assigned attendants
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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