dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
50% drunk capacity currently
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
