Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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