I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
