last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
