Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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