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Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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