I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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