all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
