I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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