just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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