we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
why do cheetos always look like penises
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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