During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
