i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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