I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
