Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
