You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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